Couple's Therapy: Case One
by Torchwood Prof
Summary: How did you lose your virginity? said Jeremy quite politely. "WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT!" shouted Fenrir, his teeth bared. "The kind I must ask - I am, after all, a relationship therapist." HP/FG under a comedic microscope - maybe. Work-In-Progress.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note:

The Professor: Hello, and welcome to Ambrose the Book-Wolf and the Torchwood Professor's story, "Couple's Therapy: Case One". This case in particular is the relationship of Harry Potter and Fenrir Greyback. Interested? We would be.

Ambrose: Mhmmm. Now, so we need not be reported for not doing a disclaimer - Harry Potter and all other people, places, concepts, species', etc that are affiliated with the Harry Potter universe are the intellectual property of J.K. Rowling, and of course all those guys at Warner Bros. who do the movies probably own a bit too . . . Any and all other references to outside TV shows, movies, cartoons, books, etc, are not in any way inclined toward encroaching copyright. There we are.

The Professor: _dons white coat _On to the couch and 'how does that make you feel?'s!

Ambrose: Enjoy the story - it's the first of this series, so if you like it (and say as such) we'll continue with more cases. Read and review, guys!

(Chapter 1 - Start)

It was a cold day in England when Professor Jeremy Clarke was told by his secretary, Patricia (who he thought was a brilliant woman, and rather fetching too) that he 'might want to come take a look at this'.

"Why? What is it, Pat?" said Jeremy, looking up from his burnished walnut desk with his reading glasses still perched upon his nose - the notes he had scribbled that morning during a session with old Albert and Maisy Russell still clutched in his hand. He could only speculate why he had started doodling halfway through the session, but he suspected that it was because old Albert was as dull as ditchwater (and smelt like it, too) and Maisy seemed to have had her brian swapped with that of a ball of yarn.

"An appointment form I think you would be interested in - _very_ interested in." He was - it wasn't often that Pat found any form's sent in interesting, since she had seen so much that even a couple of magical (the things they did with those wands . . .) dominatrixes had lost their appeal. He sat up (savoring the mobility and 'whee!' factor of rotating chairs) and, leaning against the door frame, outstretched his hand and plucked the report from her.

It was a single form, which indicated a couple of two - they had special sheets for moresomes - and there was an odd mix of handwriting. One was a rather cramped chicken-scratch, and the other an almost-ineligible broad lettered scrawl.

Sending a skeptical glance at Pat, who simply inclined her head toward the report, he began skimming the report. 'Date: the third of August, 2005' - three days ago. 'Sexuality: Homosexual', and Jeremy nodded - neither of the scribe's had been female, he could tell from the off - and then his eyes were drawn to the box in which the appliers listed their names. His eyes widened.

'Name: Fenrir Vucari Greyback'. That alone would have made Jeremy faint were it not for the fortifying gulps of whiskey he consumed throughout the day. It was, however, the second name, which gave Jeremy a sensation approximate to that of a coronary.

'Name: Harry James Potter'.

--------------

" - and it was in the 'Ingoing' box when you came in? You didn't actually see them post it?" Jeremy was almost feverish as he chugged down a glass of his whiskey whilst sending an imploring glance at Pat. She nodded, just as she had when he had asked her the same question the last five times. He sighed heavily, and ran a hand through his graying hair. He seemed to take a long moment, but when he did, he had made his decision.

"Get me an acceptance form, would you?" He hated doling out menial tasks to employees, if only because it made him feel bad, but he doubted he would remain standing if he got up. Pat seemed to accept this, and with a clip-clop of her heels (which always made Jeremy think of horses - though in a good way) she went to collect the form.

Jeremy closed his eyes and massaged the bridge of his nose - he could deal with a pair of country bloody bumpkins sexual history, but he didn't doubt that he'd have to skip over many parts of the examination process in order to avoid being ripped apart.

The story of the relationship of Harry Potter and Fenrir Greyback was a long and sordid one, having been dragged through almost a year of scathing _Prophet_ headlines (though Potter's friend, Luna Lovegood, had become the deputy editor of _The Quibbler _and so they had struck back with the truth - though Jeremy doubted the veracity of _any_ tabloid, and one that advertised food for non-existent animals was hardly going to be the one to change his belief). The story, or so it was said, went like this:

Boy meets Man.  
Man is savage who attacked Boy's adopted-godparent.  
Boy is saviour of Wizarding civilization.  
Boy shags Man, not knowing who he is.  
Man turns Boy into werewolf through sexual contact.  
When Boy finds out, Boy gives Man bollocking of a lifetime.  
Man manages to woo Boy using wolfish charm - or Dark magic, either one.  
Man and Boy - who later becomes Man - say 'fuck off' to the Wizarding world and have public shows of affection anywhere they can think of.

The story of a lifetime - and it had been, for it had been Rita Skeeter's last before being carted off to Azkaban for fraud and libel.  
The romance of a century - and it had been, with Greyback's very public proposal to Potter during a court case with Potter's adopted god-parent.  
The relationship from Hell - and it had fallen into his lap.

He heard Pat come back in, and without opening his eyes, held out his hand for the form, saying, "Thank you, Pat." She replied, "You're welcome, Jeremy." and his eyes snapped open as, with sudden speed, he grabbed a pen and began to fill out the acceptance form. Patricia smiled. He did enjoy a challenge, he always said so.

Clip-clopping back to her desk, she began to clear out the Russell's next appointment.

(Chapter 1 - End)

Ambrose: I think that's a pretty solid first chapter, don't you think, Professor?

The Professor: Yes, I think we did quite a good job on that. By the way, readers, a cookie (or a name insert in the next chapter, if possible) for the first reviewer to figure out what Fenrir's middle name means. Good luck!

Ambrose: See ya next chapter guys! Read and review! Feedback is appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note:

The Professor: Hello, and welcome to the second chapter of our story, "Couple's Therapy: Case One". So! Review Answers, eh? Quite a few to answer this time around - keep it up guys! OK, to honey-senpai - well, you're about to find out, aren't you? After a quite a while - which we are sorry for, by the way - update!

Ambrose: Now to Indiehippie - who I seem to remember reviewing another of our stories - or alerting? Hooked, you say? Very encouraging. To Pur Die - we hope the way the story goes will be to your liking. If it isn't, just review and say so. To natalie668, sorry for the update time - we got Fallout 3 not so long ago, and we've been consumed. CONSUMED! And to Isabelle Eir - we did try to make that summary as imaginative and as funny as we could, so we're glad it worked.

The Professor: To Empathetic Dreamer - we love Harry/Fenrir too, and we thought we'd give it a crack. Glad to know you like it. And finally, to lil joker - they do indeed, but you will see it's mostly an excuse for us to laugh at how they got together, how they do things, etc. The problem itself is very easy to sort out. Now, so we need not be reported for not doing a disclaimer - Harry Potter and all other people, places, concepts, species', etc that are affiliated with the Harry Potter universe are the intellectual property of J.K. Rowling, and of course all those guys at Warner Bros. who do the movies probably own a bit too . . . Any and all other references to outside TV shows, movies, cartoons, books, etc, are not in any way inclined toward encroaching copyright. There we are. Oh, but we do own Jeremy and Pat - so hands off, unless you ask first.

Ambrose: Enjoy the story, people! And make sure you read and review, guys - please?

(Chapter 2 - Start)

The hair twitched, Jeremy was sure of it. He smoothed it down for what seemed like the seventeenth time in two minutes, and glared at it, daring it to spring up again. It did, and he gave an irritated growl - it didn't matter, it didn't matter . . .

"How are we doing for time, Pat?" asked Jeremy, turning to face the door and his secretary, who was smiling indulgently at him. He couldn't help but smile back, slightly sheepishly as she said, "About three minutes less. And you really needn't worry. It's not as if they're going to get you shipped off to Azkaban if you make a comment."

Jeremy was sure he could contend that point, but he was cut off by the rapping that cut through the expectant atmosphere. He gulped, sure the two men behind that door could hear it, and sat down as if he had been attached to a wrecking ball - _here goes, _he thought.

Pat opened the door as soon as he had, and even Jeremy, sitting down as he was, could see the head of the man who loomed in the doorway over hers. He pulled at his collar nervously, and could only focus on the beating of his heart as his faithful secretary demurely said, "Mr and Mr Greyback-Potter? We've been expecting you."

The looming head seemed to grin, and was poised to say something before it was interrupted by a smooth baritone voice replying. "We prefer Potter-Greyback, and I should hope we haven't been keeping you in suspense?" There was a short tap of shoes on the tile floor, and another man, barely taller than Pat, entered the reception area. Jeremy stopped considering how to toe the line, and began to evaluate the man.

Rather weather-beaten, it would seem, and he would be - you didn't get through a war without any kind of scar, and Mr Potter (Greyback? The papers hadn't mentioned Potter had taken Greyback's name) seemed to be living proof of it - who could miss the infamous scar, after all? He was a rather attractive man, and Jeremy could certainly see why the public had been surprised that Potter had chosen Greyback as a suitor. He had porcelain white skin, inky black hair that seemed untamable and striking green eyes which shone out like emeralds. He was dressed rather conservatively, and seemed well at ease, smiling at Pat beguilingly - a complete contrast to the man who followed him through the door.

If Potter had been weather-beaten, then Greyback was weather-obliterated. He had a great many scars, even on his face and neck, which strangely didn't seem to conflict with the craggily handsome features upon which they lay. He was an astoundingly tall, well over six foot (Jeremy was reminded of Jaws) and had hard, glinting golden eyes, which were partly obscured by silver strands of hair - thick and flowing - as well as skin the color of matured wood and cream. He was dressed very spartanly - a simple shirt and trousers, neither of which seemed to fit him properly, and seemed determined to make the worst of his situation - he was glaring at Potter reproachfully, and had the air of a suffering husband brought to his wife's dinner party.

Pat smiled at Potter and Greyback, ignoring the fact that Greyback was - ahem - rearranging himself, and said, "Professor Clarke will see you now." She tilted her head at the door into Jeremy's office, and then sat herself back in her seat, watching peacefully as they trudged into the office -_ they were Jeremy's problem now,_ she thought wryly, and went back to reading her Calvin and Hobbes collection.

"Professor Clarke, I assume?" said Potter as he stood in front of Jeremy's desk, projecting an air of peace and relief (which irritated Jeremy - he hated it when people were so peaceful they just had to give some of it to other people) and holding his hand out. Jeremy nodded, and stood, taking the hand within his own (knowing that Potter could feel his hand shaking) and pointedly ignoring the scar upon Potter's forehead.

Jeremy couldn't tell from his side, but he swore he saw Potter nudge Greyback in the side - and it would fit, as Greyback only then extended his hand, still staring apathetically around him. Jeremy shook his hand for as short a time he thought he could without offending Greyback, and then released him. He invited the two to take the seats in front of Jeremy's desk, and made a point of sitting down only after they had.

Getting out a piece of paper and a pen, Jeremy placed the paper in front of him and clicked the pen, putting it's point to paper in anticipation. He cleared his throat and began. "Right, now before we start I'll need to take down some basic details - nothing I presume would be beyond the social sphere - such as age, existing family and basic relationship details. We'll need the heavier stuff later, but this is preliminary, so - " "And how do we know you won't go blabbing to the press about this little pow-wow?" Greyback spoke for the first time, and his voice certainly fit with that of a werewolf - rough and tumble and cut glass, Jeremy thought in a flash of oddness - with a tinge of anger.

He addressed his question to Jeremy, but was looking at Potter whilst he said it - who was sharing an annoyed glance with him - so Jeremy knew he had a moment to recollect himself (he'd felt his heart skip a beat when Greyback started talking) and come up with an answer. Then, he remembered, and felt a tinge of red creep up his neck - what kind of doctor was he, eh?

"If I 'blab', as you so eloquently put it, then you'd be obliged to report me. If I break doctor-patient confidentiality, I lose my job and license to practice therapy. It's within my best interests not to blab." Jeremy seemed to say all of this in one breath, and felt his thoughts whirling and whirling as what he said finally found it's way into his mind. _Eloquent? Way to cheek the wrong guy!_

Greyback looked at Jeremy speculatively for a second, and Jeremy bravely held his ground (drawing on memories of his brother burying him in a sandpit when he was younger for strength) which seemed to be enough - Greyback huffed slightly, and Potter shared a conspiring smile with Jeremy, who returned it weakly.

"So - uhm, details?" Jeremy continued weakly, and Potter replied. "Age, twenty two, born thirty first of July 1980. Existing family - well, I have a maternal aunt and cousin - my uncle died not so long ago - and an adopted godparent . . . Fen and I have been together for - " " - five years, and we've been married for two." Greyback cut in, and Jeremy began scribbling hurriedly as he began to list his own details. "Age, fifty six - " (he grimaced here - at the reminder of his age, seemingly) - " born twenty second of April 1946. Existing family - one brother, who lives in America."

Jeremy got all of this down, and near flung the pen down when he had. He linked his hands together in an attempt to stop them shaking, and said "Right - well, that, uh, seems to be all in order." He quickly noted down that the age difference was that of thirty four years, which may become important later on, and continued on.

"So, now I'll need a complete history of previous relationships and/or sexual liaisons."  
_(Maybe he should just start digging his grave now . . .)_

(Chapter 2 - End)

Ambrose: Sorry for cutting it off there, but I don't think we're quite up to listing fifty six years worth of relationships and sexual mishaps. Next time, though - watch out. Now, make sure you read and review - we do need your feedback urgently.

The Professor: Also, check out our Livejournal - we'll be setting up a poll to see whether of not you want a little sex scene at the end of each story. Of course, it won't be on , but it will be on the journal. It's under our home-page, so look us up.

Ambrose: OK, that's all for this update - see ya next time, people! Read and review!


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note:

The Professor: Hello, and welcome to the third chapter of our story, "Couple's Therapy: Case One". So! Review Answers, eh? Quite a few to answer this time around - keep it up guys! Now, first - to arms71080: intriguing and strange? Sounds like just the sort of answer we're looking for. And we'll do our best to - ahem - keep it up.

Ambrose: And to liljoker - it is indeed quite the age difference, isn't it? By the way, we're only guessing with Fenrir's birth year - we assume he was about eighteen, at the least, when he bit Remus, so that's where we based it from. Also, we now have a queue in which you can wait for the next chapter - _indicates roped off queue - _so, Isabelle Eir - masses of fun? _blushes._

The Professor: I sense another crush coming on for dear old Ambrose - first Toby, now Isabelle Eir - he sure does get around. Not much we can do, though - except get him neutered. :). And we can direct you to the queue. So, moving on to Kawaii Yashie - glad to have you onboard, even if you get completely disgusted and annoyed with this chapter. _cheesy grin._

Ambrose: Oh, hush. And now, to Black Moon - yesh! Finally, we get an answer! Good ol' Wikipedia - standby of lazy students and smart authors everywhere. OK, now we need all bow to the Queen - BlackRoseBlackHeartYaoi Queen, to be precise. Possessive Fenrir rocks, we must concur - and he is going to get _very _possessive in this story, especially in this chapter. Interests piqued? We hope so. Penultimately, we come to Narias - well, thank you for the compliment, and we think this is pretty soon - what about you guys? No? Finally, we have Catus -

The Professor: - who we need to make an express delivery to. _pops on delivery boy hat and sends off copy of chapter_. There we are - one chapter, hot off the press. And now, so we need not be reported for not doing a disclaimer - Harry Potter and all other people, places, concepts, species', etc that are affiliated with the Harry Potter universe are the intellectual property of J.K. Rowling, and of course all those guys at Warner Bros. who do the movies probably own a bit too . . . Any and all other references to outside TV shows, movies, cartoons, books, etc, are not in any way inclined toward encroaching copyright. There we are. Oh, but we do own Jeremy and Pat - so hands off, unless you ask first.

Ambrose: Enjoy the story, people! And make sure you read and review, guys - please?

(Chapter 3 - Start)

_I had might as well have asked if I could take some time out to dig my grave, _thought Jeremy gravely, as Fenrir seemed to be unable to stop eyeing him beadily, like a wolf set upon a rabbit. Harry had turned rather red, and looked off to the side in what Jeremy assumed was embarrassment - or perhaps amusement, Clarke reflected, as he saw the slight quiver of Potter's shoulders.

"I think it would be better if we skipped that part - " started the larger of the couple, with what Jeremy now realized was a slight flush upon his skin, before being interrupted by his smaller counterpart. " - actually, I think we may want to have this down - " and Fenrir quickly shot back at him, " - any particular reason for that?"

Harry looked slightly annoyed at being interrupted right back, and said (with a note of snippiness in his voice), "Why? Anything - no, wait, any_one _you're not proud of?" Fenrir looked rather stung, and said, rather sullenly, "I have no regrets." All of a sudden, Harry beamed and turned back to Jeremy, who had sneaked another sip of whiskey during the altercation, and said, "Well, that's that sorted then. Who do you want to go first, Professor?"

Feeling put-on-the-spot, Jeremy replied, "It - er, well - there's no real difference which order . . ." Harry nodded, and Jeremy could almost anticipate what he was going to say next. "I'd like to go first then." He turned a sweetened grin upon Fenrir, who seemed to slide further into his seat, and Jeremy could see what he was doing - because Fenrir had wanted to skip over the relationship history, Harry knew that it would be of interest to him (and to Jeremy, too), and had taken the plunge of going first. If Fenrir backed out - well, he couldn't, could he? Then Harry'd accuse him of having something to hide, and so on and so on.

Jeremy noted some of this down, feeling his nerve steady, and then said, "Well, if we might proceed." Harry and Fenrir (though the latter looked distinctly put out by the inevitable dragging of his sex life into the spotlight) both nodded, and Jeremy continued to ask, as politely as he could manage, "How did you lose your virginity?"

The look on Fenrir's face might have been funny if it hadn't been so scary.

"WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!" Fenrir's voice surely shook the foundations of the building, it was so loud. Jeremy felt his heart pace just a little bit faster - if a little bit meant 'at the speed of light'. His teeth were bared in a snarl that would terrify a grizzly bear, and while Jeremy was on the verge of death by fright, Harry seemed quite at ease with the loud tone and snarling thing, as he simply sent an annoyed glance at the older man - which he promptly ignored.

"The kind I must ask - I am, after all, a relationship therapist - " and here Harry skillfully inserted himself into the situation, with seemingly practiced ease " - whom we hired, of our own free will, and who we would do well not to kill, so _back down, Fenrir_, or so help me, I'll replace all of your piss poor lager with liquid laxative." Fenrir seemed to calm down, his mouth now slack as he stared at Harry with bewilderment on his face, and Harry only raised an eyebrow. The message was clear - _try it and die of celibacy._

"And by the way, Professor, I lost my virginity just after my sixteenth birthday - to Kingsley Shacklebolt." Both Fenrir and Jeremy snapped their heads to look at Harry in disbelief, while the man in question simply looked back at them. Fenrir seemed unable to keep control over his tongue, or his anger - only a second later, he hissed, "_Shacklebolt? SHACKLEBOLT? I lost my mate's virginity to the fucking Minister of MAGIC?!"_

"Who happens to be quite happily married - and if you mention, at any point to him, that you know, I'll shackle your bolt - and lock away the key." Harry seemed to be quite beyond reproach, and Fenrir could only huff and puff in anger as his self-proclaimed mate stared him down cooly.  
"M - may I ask how it, er - " Jeremy started, before being interrupted once more by Fenrir. "Was he better than me?"

It was now Harry and Jeremy's turn to look at Fenrir, who seemed intent on an answer - Harry sighed, rolling his eyes, and said, in a low voice, "Nobody does it better than you Fenrir - you know that." The wolf in question leaned back in satisfaction, while Harry answered Jeremy's second question. "I imagine it was like any other first time - slightly painful - " (Fenrir seemed ready to break into another tantrum at this latest news, and so Harry headed him off, continuing on) " - but altogether, well - what's a nicer word for nice?"

Jeremy was copying this down in order to hide the slight blush on his face, and Fenrir seemed to take too much relish in suggesting a number of adjectives, all of which went a long way to implying that Kingsley was either impotent or, as Fenrir so eloquently put it, 'limp as a dead mule'. Harry seemed unimpressed.

"Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

(Chapter 3 - End)

Ambrose: Eh-heh-heh! Now, what do you think of that, readers? Well, make sure to tell us - make sure you read and review. We need your feedback urgently!

The Professor: Also, check out our Livejournal - we've set up a poll to see whether of not you want a little sex scene at the end of each story - which would be posted on the journal, of course, for all of you out there not comfortable with HP/FG smexiness. :)

Ambrose: Right, that's all for this update - see ya next time, people! Read and review!


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note:

The Professor: Hello, and welcome to the fourth chapter of our story, "Couple's Therapy: Case One". And we come to round four of - REVIEW ANSWERS! Yeah, we tried to get Brian Blessed to do that bit in his shouty voice, but it seems we're not up-market enough. A little less to answer this time, which is - different. Not bad different, not good different, just - different. First, to natalie668, who we seem to be getting quite the following from - first time around, really? Suppose it isn't the most obvious or popular of pairings, but one we quite like anyway. And everybody who likes Possessive!Fenrir, put your hands up! _puts up hand_

Ambrose: Yes, we shall find out who Fenrir lost his virginity to - not in this chapter, but one or two down the line. If only so we have more time to come up with someone suitable. And if there are anymore questions you guys want us to add, then just send 'em in. You're the one's reading, after all. Now, on to balakafalata (is that a Voyage of the Damned reference?) - eccentric? Why, you flatter us! Hear that, Professor? We're eccentric's now!

The Professor: Cool! That means we're rich. :) And we'll just be putting away the HP/FG rod for now . . . Moving swiftly on, we have - once again, bow people! - BlackRoseBlackHeartYaoiQueen. Everyone seems to be taking Kingsley pretty well - maybe he could be Case Four? What do you guys think? And just so everyone knows, the polls for the sex scene (which we repeat will be on our LJ - home-page - once the story is done) are: two yes, zero for everything else.

Ambrose: Looking forward to that one. _grins evilly. _And everyone who reviews gets a shout-out - we think it's common courtesy, just like reviewing (hint, hint) so - yeah. Finally, to vairetwilight; HP/FG is one of the more exotic (and better) pairings in the HP fandom - how can you not love it? And thanks - we need as much positive reinforcement as we can get. We do need to know if we're actually being funny - or just blabbing - so remember guys - read and review, even if you've reviewed before!

The Professor: OK, now to the disclaimer - Harry Potter and all other people, places, concepts, species', etc that are affiliated with the Harry Potter universe are the intellectual property of J.K. Rowling, and of course all those guys at Warner Bros. who do the movies probably own a bit too . . . Any and all other references to outside TV shows, movies, cartoons, books, etc, are not in any way inclined toward encroaching copyright. There we are. Oh, but we do own Jeremy and Pat - so hands off, unless you ask first.

Ambrose: Enjoy the story, people! Again, make sure you read and review, guys - please?

(Chapter 4 - Start)

"If we might get back on, er, track?" asked Jeremy skittishly, as Fenrir seemed intent on leering at Harry (who looked distinctly disinterested) and needed to be brought back to the matter in hand. Harry nodded, frustrating Fenrir thoroughly with his ease at resisting his wolfish charms, and continued.

"Kingsley and I always knew that it would be a one-off - it was sort of, ah, I'll-do-you-if-you-do-me, sort of thing - and he was convinced he liked a bit of skirt after the whole - thing - so we just nodded to each other, and it's been perfectly comfortable so far." Jeremy felt the need to intrude here, lightly, and inquired, "No odd feelings in an elevator, lustful looks or - you know, things of the sort." Harry shook his head, and Jeremy drew a rather squiffy line through one of the sentences on his little notepad - Fenrir was looking at him again.

"Any other - one-off's or relationships before you met your husband, if I might ask?" Jeremy said, peering over his notes as Harry, who had furrowed his brow and seemed to be considering it. Fenrir tried to look relaxed, chewing upon his fingernails rather severely, but Jeremy noticed the way his ears seemed to have perked up - this sort of new made a possessive werewolf's day, even if they didn't rip off someone's face for touching their mate.

"There was a short - fling, I'd suppose you'd call it, with, erm, ah - " Harry seemed to stumble here, his skin going lightly pink, and Fenrir turned him, peevish curiosity and jealous interest fighting over control of his face, rumbling, "Well, come on then - a fling with who?" His head quirked then, and Jeremy could imagine what he was amending that request to: _so I can hunt them down and - wait,_ _WHAT?!_

" - Colin Creevey." Harry seemed mortified about it - _and so he should be_, fumed Fenrir. _The creepy little voyeur gets Harry before I do. Maybe this is fate's revenge for leading such a cavalier life . . . Nah, couldn't be._ He shook his head, and resumed staring at Harry as if he'd grown three heads. Harry's blush intensified under both his and Jeremy's shellshocked faces, and Fenrir couldn't stop slightly naughty thoughts, which interrupted his disbelief.

"M-might I ask - oh, blimey - how you came to have a f-fling with the self-proclaimed President of the Potter Restitution and Appreciative Task Society?" Jeremy was not a relationship therapist for nothing, and recovered shortly after the C-bomb had dropped. Harry, however, hadn't, and winced in a way which indicated that he was exceedingly ashamed of himself - it didn't stop him from trying to justify the elephant in the room, though.

"Well, we were both young, willing (Colin seemed about ready to escape the Earth with excitement when Harry had accepted his proposition) and - would you believe me if I said reckless?" Fenrir started to chuckle, the growl-like sound shaking his whole body, and said, "To shag the president of the PRATS? I would have to say yes." Jeremy had to look away to hide a grin, and Harry winced again. However, he quickly recovered, and shot back at Fenrir.

"Oh yes, I do have horrible taste in men, don't I? Because, by wonderful coincidence, YOU came next! Explains it all, doesn't it?!" Fenrir looked rather offended at that retort, though he probably knew that Harry was only saying that in order to excuse his weird taste (besides Fenrir, of course) in men. Still, he wouldn't pass up a chance to get one over on his spouse, and said, "Actually, it does - because I picked YOU, NOT the other way around. You probably would have ended up going after that Irish incubus, Shameless or whatever his name is - "

"His name is Seamus, and he is NOT a bloody incubus - " "With the amount of sex that guy gets, he'd better hope his condom's are like his namesake - seamless!" This seemed to bring the spat to an end, if only because Harry and Fenrir both looked equally horrified at Fenrir's terrifically weak attempt at a comeback, and Jeremy took this chance to break into the conversation.

"I think that's quite enough information, thank you. Now, perhaps we should just calm down - " Fenrir seemed to hold some semblance of his anger, and replied snootily, "Who are you, our lawyer?" Harry elbowed him rather hard in the ribs, but that only reminded Fenrir of Harry's confession, and he began to laugh again. Instead of blushing again, however, Harry's eyes narrowed, and he brought Fenrir right back down to earth with his next statement.

"Why are you laughing? It's your turn next."  
Fenrir suddenly didn't find Harry's embarrassment quite so funny anymore.

(Chapter 4 - End)

Ambrose: Hmmm - not quite sure about that chapter - little bit stilted for us. Still, doesn't really matter what we think - what do YOU think, eh? That's what we want to know. Make sure you give us some feedback, because we really do need it. Thanks.

The Professor: Also, check out our Livejournal - the sex scene poll is still there, so just click on the home-page - and vote. Or just send a review, either is fine.

Ambrose: So, that's all for this update - see ya next time, people! Read and review!


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note:

The Professor: Hello, and welcome to the fifth chapter of our story, "Couple's Therapy: Case One". OK, OK - we haven't updated in aeyonks, we know. Quite simply because we had to come up with someone cringe-and-laugh worthy enough to have taken good ol' Fenrir's virginity - but we think we've cracked it. Maybe we have, maybe we haven't - up to you to tell us. By the way, this is the final round of Review Answers, as we've decided answering in the chapter is a bit too cumbersome - after this chapter is posted, all reviews will be Replied to instead. Moving on - to balakafalata, we solemnly apologise for making you lose all inhibitions and laugh so hard you have trouble breathing. _maniacal grin._ As restitution, have this chapter - which we extend to all of you out there who have been left waiting for so long. Sorry guys.

Ambrose: To lil joker (congratulations on the story, by the way - we've been keeping an eye on it) - well, Harry had three, counting Fenrir. And Fenrir had - let's just say - many, many more than three. To the all-knowing Queen - we're getting better at it, no worries. And yes, Colin. We're quite proud of our little President PRAT. And now to Save-a-broom-ride-a-seeker (which is a sentiment we have to agree with) - thank you very much, kind descendant of October. :)

The Professor: On to Siraelka - so hard you_ cried?_ Now _that _is something to be proud of, eh guys and girls? Let's hope this chappie meets expectations. Now for Eilun - why, yes! Yes, indeedy! Now, would you prefer lilies or roses at the reception? (No need to worry - I'm more the 'jilted at the altar' type) OK, so - gigglegal? Strangely appropriate, considering you strained a muscle. Why, it's almost as if . . . And Fenrir is going to have a _lot _to say, believe me.

Ambrose: And now for the final two - LadyWolfRider (which is one kick ass name, we have to say), let's keep hoping. Personally, I'd prefer it if you went into fits rather than blushes - but hey, your choice. And Tom/Harry? Now THAT is going to be fun to write. Finally, BRM - continue, you beg? Of course, we say! Phew, now that's done with - Professor?

The Professor: OK, now to the disclaimer - Harry Potter and all other people, places, concepts, species', etc that are affiliated with the Harry Potter universe are the intellectual property of J.K. Rowling, and of course all those guys at Warner Bros. who do the movies probably own a bit too . . . Any and all other references to outside TV shows, movies, cartoons, books, etc, are not in any way inclined toward encroaching copyright. There we are. Oh, but we do own Jeremy and Pat - so hands off, unless you ask first.

Ambrose: Enjoy the story, people! Again, make sure you read and review, guys - please?

(Chapter 5 - Start)

"No."  
"Yes."  
"Pup, I will not."  
"You will, or it's celibacy for me AND for you."

For the first time in his life, Fenrir said, "Maybe it's worth it." Harry looked at him as if he'd never seen him before, and Jeremy could guess why - judging by the number of lustful looks and single-entendres that Greyback had exhibited in just this one session, Clarke was willing to bet that Fenrir had roughly the same sexual appetite as a rabbit in its very first heat. Then, Fenrir's face darkened, and he muttered, "Ah, who am I kidding - nothing's worth sex."

Although Harry seemed unimpressed with Greyback's remarkably one-track way of thinking, he looked glad that his husband had finally conceded. Jeremy, hoping to make it easier for the more savage of his clients, said, "You don't need to give too many details if you don't want to - " Fenrir shook his head and rumbled, "Thanks, but no thanks, doc - I don't think Harry'll let me get away with anything less. More's the shame."

Jeremy readied his pad and pencil. Fenrir took a deep breath, as if about to jump off a cliff, and begun.

"All-right. June sixth, 1962 - " the rest he mumbled, and a deep flush erupted all over his skin. Harry eyed him oddly, sharing a look with Clarke, before gently prodding Fenrir. "Sorry? We - we didn't hear that." Fenrir muttered something along the lines of 'you weren't supposed to', and cleared his throat - which then proceeded to break.

"Cor - Cornelius Fudge." A deathly silence filled the office as Fenrir buried his head in his hands, and Harry and Jeremy simply stared off into space. It took a full minute for them to actually realise he was serious - then, they simultaneously sent each other a look, before they both began cracking up. Jeremy and Harry were both banging on the table with their fists as they laughed, and it was nearly impossible to look at Fenrir without simply pointing and starting to laugh all over again.

"I WAS SIXTEEN! I WAS IN BLOODY HEAT! IT'S NOT GODDAMN FUNNY!" Fenrir was practically bellowing at this point, seething at the amount of hilarity they were both showing. Another three minutes of laughing and heavy breathing ensued, before Harry and Jeremy managed to control themselves - Jeremy's hands were shaking as he noted it down, however, and he suspected that Harry was punching himself in the stomach in order to contain the laugher. "Ri - right. Heh, heh - hahahaha - sorry. So, he was on - " Fenrir narrowed his eyes, and pushed out the words, " - top. Yes."

Harry patted his husband on the arm, still not looking at him, all the while noting how odd it was that they had both lost their virginity's to Minister's of Magic - not exactly something you'd boast about at a party, but still worth noting. Jeremy settled a hand on his chest, trying to get rid of the stitch that he had developed, and he only indicated for Fenrir to continue after a pointed look from Harry.

Fenrir let out a deep breath, obviously still enraged at the hysteric laughing his confession had brought on, before continuing. "Christmas 1963 - Alastor Moody." He let out an unconscious shiver, and added, "He liked it when I called him Allison. Don't ask." He soldiered on, obviously not trusting them not to laugh again, and continued with the confession. "About seventeen pack affairs from 1966 to 1979 - apparently, the Alpha is also unofficial matchmaker in a were pack, and she seemed to think I needed the exercise."

_They aren't looking at you, they aren't, they aren't. _"Then, in December 1979 - Regulus Black." Here, Fenrir was unable to stop himself from embellishing what was essentially a belt-story. "Good ol' Reggie - even if he did make me feel like a cradle robber." Harry butted in here, needing something to distract him from Fenrir's increasing number of belt notches. "You ARE a cradle robber." Fenrir adopted a lecherous expression for the first time since the beginning of the session, and he leered at Harry. "Ah, but you still love me."

It was from about 1980 that Fenrir's sexual history began to get a bit blurry - he claimed it was because this was the year if his mate's birth, but he would later admit it was probably because any David Bowie music tended to send him a bit fuzzy in the head - but he still remembered most of the highlights, if not their surnames. "Well, there was Bradley, Aaron, some snotty blonde kid, Jim, Martin, Gerry, Tom, Will, Ricky, David, Jack, Patrick, three Johns, Craig, Toby, Mikey, Zach, Nick, Shaun, Jake, Paul, Kent, Owen - and I think that's it." Remarkably, Fenrir wasn't at all out of breath by the end of his lists, while Harry and Jeremy were once again looking at him in equal parts disgust and respect.

"Oh! And the Lestrange brothers." Harry looked sick at this final announcement, while Jeremy was still noting down conquests (in shorthand now - there was no other way to keep up with Greyback's pace). Then, Fenrir seemed to remember something, before thrusting a finger up in the air and near-shouting. "Does it count if I didn't have sex with them? What about other things?" Jeremy swallowed, looking rather sick, before shaking his head.

"I, uh - don't think we want to go into that." Harry nodded, his eyes so wide that Clarke thought they might pop from out of his skull, and Fenrir leant back in his chair, before turning to the thunder-struck Harry smugly.

"Still convinced therapy's a good idea?"

(Chapter 5 - End)

Ambrose: OK, we're gonna stop there - now, in the original draft of this chapter, there was an extremely off-colour joke just above. It was a reference to Kevin Smith's "Clerks", and if anyone's seen the movie - remember the magic number, 37? Yeah - one helluva insight into just what kind of man Fenrir is. But there is a reason for Fenrir's - promiscuity, and it'll be explained next chapter. We decided to pull the joke as it was EXTREMELY liable to offend, so - yeah.

The Professor: We're gonna start winding down this case - it's got about another chapter or two to go, by my reckoning. And on that note, remember to leave a review - we wanna know what you thought. See ya next time!


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